Adjustment Concerns With Adopted Adolescents

Typical Adolescent Behavior

Adolescence is a trying time for both teenagers and their families. The following issues surface at this time:

• Growth spurt and physical/sexual maturity
• Identity formation – defining values, beliefs, gender identification, career choice, and expectations of the self, which may include behaviors such as:
  • Trying a variety of personas
  • Shunning or embracing family values, traditions, ideas, and religious beliefs
  • Fluctuating levels of self-confidence and self-worth
  • Vacillating beliefs
  • Demonstrating individuality and setting self apart from family
  • Wanting to look, act, and dress just like their friends do
  • Increased disagreements with parents
  • Testing limits
• Awareness of sexuality and interest in romantic relationships

Adoption and Adolescence

Adoption adds complexity to parenting adolescents. Adopted teens may need extra support in dealing with the following issues:

Identity Formation

Identity issues can be difficult because the teen has two sets of parents. Common identity concerns of adopted adolescents include:

• Wondering where they got their particular characteristics
• Asking questions that you may not be able to answer such as:
  • Where do I get my artistic talent?
  • Was everyone in my family short/tall?
  • What is my ethnic background?
  • Do I have brothers and sisters?
• Anger at adoptive parents
• Feeling the need to withdraw or stray far from home to find their true identity
• Difficulty moving ahead without knowing about their past
• Questions about birth-family health history or hereditary diseases

Fear of Abandonment

Leaving home is scary for most adolescents, but, having already suffered the loss of one set of parents, it is even more frightening for adopted teens. Fear of abandonment may express itself in difficulties when going off to college or moving out of the home and in fears of leaving the security of the family.

Issues of Control

A hallmark of adolescence is the tension between parents who don’t want to give up control and the teenager who wants independence. This tension may be especially intense for adopted teens who feel that someone else has always made decisions for them. Parents may be concerned that the teen has a predisposition toward antisocial behavior (especially when their teen’s birthparents have a history of certain problems). Parents may tighten the reins when a teen wants more freedom, resulting in the teen feeling mistrusted.

Feelings of Not Belonging

Adopted teens become more aware of how they are different from their families and their non-adopted friends. Issues of feeling different may include:

• Sensitivity about not looking like parents, siblings, or other relatives
• Feeling more alienated from the families, conscious of physical differences, and struggling to integrate their cultural background into their self-concept (if they were adopted into a family of a different race or ethnic background)
• Doubting their authenticity as “real” family members and therefore feeling uncertain about their futures

Needing to Connect With the Past

As adopted teens mature, they think more about how their lives would have been different if they had not been adopted or if another family had adopted them. Issues may include:

• Wondering who they would have become under other circumstances
• Increased need to try on different personalities
• Realizing the possibilities that were lost
• Wanting more information about their original families

Teens Adopted at an Older Age

Issues for teens adopted at an older age are even more complex. Often they endured abuse or neglect, lived in several foster homes, or moved from relative to relative before finding a permanent family. Issues often include:

• Intense sense of loss and rejection
• Seriously low self-esteem
• Severe emotional and behavioral difficulties
• Memories of times before joining the adoptive family

When Parents Should Be Concerned

Adopted teens are more likely to have problems in families where the parents insist that adoption is no different from biological parenting. Adopted teens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger, and fear.

The following behaviors may indicate a teen is struggling with adoption issues:

• Comments about being treated unfairly compared to the family’s birth children
• A new problem in school, such as trouble paying attention or falling grades
• A sudden preoccupation with the unknown
• Problems with peers
• Shutting down emotionally and refusing to share feelings

When dealing with all teens, seek professional help if you notice any of the following behaviors:

• Alcohol or drug abuse
• A drastic drop in grades or sharp increase in skipping school
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Use or threat of violence
• Risk-taking
• Suicide threats or attempts

Helping Your Adopted Adolescent

If your family communication style is open, you may be able to deal with these issues without professional help. Here are some tips on helping your adopted adolescent:

• Educate yourself through books or workshops run by agencies with post-adoption services.
• Join an adoptive parent support group. Consider a support group for your adopted teen.
• Start talking openly about adoption issues when your child is young. If you haven’t been comfortable doing that, it may be especially difficult by the time your child is a teen. However, it’s never too late.
• Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in adoptive families.
• Work with your teen to agree on what constitutes trustworthy behavior in important areas such as schoolwork, chores, choice of friends, choice of leisure activities, and curfew. Give your teen a voice in the decisions without relinquishing your role as parent. Recognize that these limits will change as your teen gets older.
• If your teen is of a different ethnic background, make sure that the family frequently associates with other adults and children of the same ethnic background. Talk about race and culture often. Do not tolerate ethnically or racially biased remarks from others.
• If your teen was adopted at an older age, allow him or her to acknowledge memories and talk about them.

Adolescence is a confusing time for teens. If your family has a long-standing history of openness, honesty, and comfort with adoption, chances are good that you’ll be able to help your teen work through adolescence. If openness has not been your family style, or if you see alarming behaviors, seek professional help.

Mental health experts are confident that adopted teens can confront and resolve their developmental issues just as their non-adopted peers do. With the support and understanding of their parents, adopted teens can forge strong family bonds that will continue to nurture their family relationships.